Transformers: The Last Knight

With last being in the title this should be the last one but it obviously won't. These films really should have ended after the train wreck of a third and they have only gone down from there. After age of extinction one would think it couldn't get much worse but when it comes to Michael Bay, he has to constantly one up himself, even in horrendousness. Unfortunately, no audience has the guts to stand up to Mr. Bay and say we won't take your nonsensical garbage anymore but that does not appear to be coming close. It may be starting to happen in the US but the rest of the world appears to be willing to continue to throw money at him. There is no comprehensible plot since Cybertron was destroyed in the previous film but now has returned be again a focal point. Bay continues to push the boundaries of objectifying pedophilia with an even younger actress, Isabela Moner, entering the franchise for no discernable reason other than to replace Mark Wahlberg's daughter who was either too expensive or too old to bring back. Bay also tries to poke fun at the previous criticisms of his transformer films with numerous jokes about racial appropriation. He also tries to do a tone of call backs to the other films that are utterly out of place and absurdly​ convenient. Now to attempt to explain the film. Cade (Mark Wahlberg) is running between Chicago and North Dakota like it is they are just down the street from each other. There is honestly a battle sequence where case is our heroes are supposedly​ running through an abandoned town in North Dakota and suddenly​ they are running up skyscrapers that look suspiciously like Chicago and then are suddenly in the wasteland again. It is shockingly reminiscent of Bay's teleportation powers from revenge of the fallen jumping the heroes from Washington DC to the Nevada vehicle bone yard by smashing down a door. This film basically shows the world how little he thinks of his audience that we can't follow basic geography. Anyway, Cade is somehow chosen as the last knight which has no effect on the film other than to constantly put him in the right place at the right time with literally no training or skill that is ever needed. Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) is corrupted by his maker, Quintessa (Gemma Chan). The world has completely turned on all transformers, Autobot and Decepticon alike. This is a convenient way to bring back Josh Duhamel’s character who is actively killing Autobots to try and be the moral center of the government which has no morality. He is also there to be the guy to tell the humans to automatically switch sides and join the Autobots to save a world that is already being destroyed. Michael Bay continues to think we are all stupid in thinking the audience will ignore when you crash another planet into earth, billions, not millions, billions of people die. The world can't​ go back to having logical government with such loss of life. Bay simply glosses over this, like he has in all previous iterations and teases even more horror with a 6th film. It is just utter and complete garbage and if I could give it lower than an F I would but sadly there is no lower a grade

F

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman is wonder-full. It has been said before me but it must be said as much as possible. Wonder Woman truly is a magnificent feminist film, from on screen to behind the camera. Patty Jenkins has been fighting to make this movie for the last 12 years and she was the absolute best choice for the job. She takes the character of Diana Prince back to her feminist roots and pushes back the decades of Diana slowly being delegated to eye candy. Throughout the film the traditional roles of women being ogled and the men being strong are flipped on their head where it is the male bodies that are emphasized and admired while Diana shows more strength than any of her male counterparts. There is literally a scene where Diana stares and admired Chris Pine's naked body in a hilarious reversal of Hollywood norms. She is also given tremendous agency throughout the film by her constantly choosing her own actions and forcing men to react to her, not the other way around. I will be the first to admit my fault in judging Gal Gadot's performance before seeing her in the film. While she still doesn't especially fit the Amazonian body type, she acts her butt off to make up for any issues, bypassing any hate and showing off her awesomeness and decisiveness. If this film is the model for what DC will be doing in the future then the future is bright. If this is an anomaly it is a bright one but will have to have all other films held up to it with what could have been. The biggest plot issue with the film is the emphasis on world war 1 because wonder woman claims to want to protect the world and help mankind know the power of Love but then there is absolutely no mention of anything after 1920. This was done to avoid comparisons to Captain America but it still doesn’t make sense. World War II was much more barbaric than World War I and we have to assume she did nothing. Ten there are the countless wars between then and now, from Vietnam, Nigerian Civil War, the Chechen wars and many others. At least Captain America had the excuse of being frozen in a glacier, what's her excuse? Other than that glaring hole, the film is fantastic and we absolutely need a sequel to be focused on more than any other planned DC movie.

A-

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

If dead men tell no tales, then this movie is dead on arrival. In an attempt to revitalize his career and the series, Johnny Depp returns as Jack Sparrow except with none of the charm he has been steadily losing since the original. Disney seems to have forgotten why Sparrow was a fun and interesting character. Originally it was because he was a lovable rogue who could get himself out of terrible situations in what looked like ridiculous but lucky ways. Instead, Disney thinks it's because he is a drunk, looks funny, has a blaze fair attitude and cares about no one but himself. It is an utter cluster bomb of a movie that simply makes things up as it goes to explain what is going on. In Dead Men Tell No Tales the audience is introduced to Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem), a Spanish sea captain who is bent on revenge for the curse he now suffers from who he blames on Sparrow. We are also introduced to a new power that Jack's all-seeing compass apparently has that has not been brought up in any of the four previous films and has changed hands countless times between characters. Just more nonsensical exposition to explain away the plot holes. We are also introduced to Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan's son Henry (Brenton Thwaites), who is miraculously now 21 years old with no one other than him showing the passage of that much time. Because this is a Disney movie and we need everyone important to have a love interest we are also given Carina Smyth (Kaya Scodelario) who is also looking for Poseidon’s trident to break all cursed at sea. Henry desires the trident to free his father from his curse, Carina wants it because it was her father's life's work, and Jack needs it to rid himself of the undead Salazar. Which brings me to question, since when did Davey Jones's duty, which became Will Turner's, become a curse. It is referenced numerous times as a curse when he is actually performing a duty. It also granted him life, as he was killed at the end of At World's End. So, if it is a curse and has been lifted then he should die and not just be able to return to land. If your sensing a theme here of BS non-explanations then you now know the essence that is Pirates 5. Unfortunately, it will make a ton of money and that will motivate Disney to keep making more as a sequel is set up in the end credits scene. Which again is a scene that makes no sense. This is a series that entangles too many good actors into terrible roles for it to keep going. Stop thinking of it as a pay check and have some principles! None of you are scraping the barrel for roles! Just a down right terrible movie that makes very little sense a d makes you hate the jack Sparrow when he should be the easiest character to like.

D-

Baywatch

Dwayne said it himself on SNL, he truly is ‘Franchise Viagra’. While many have panned Baywatch as a terrible movie and dismal first weekend numbers, one has to think what would have happened had Johnson not been in the movie. Now that would be a true bomb. It will easily make its money back and even go into the black with its world-wide release. And the flaws, which are apparent, are solely based on writing and directing problems. Everything Dwayne Johnson touches in the film is gold with the one exception being a nonsensical expositional run Mitch takes at the beginning of the film. Zack Efron on the other hand is very hot and cold, only hitting his stride when he unexplainably changes from the preppy entitled millennial that he is accustomed to playing into the genuine sidekick he needs to be. In the beginning the writers seem to want to push both Johnson and Efron on the same level and it isn't until the middle of the film that they realize how much of a mistake that was. No one is on Johnson's level. They then delegate him to side kick where he belongs and the film finally takes off. There are amazing bodies and crude humor throughout to keep you interested but only when everyone realizes their role can you really sink into the Baywatch world. Once there, it's a one-way trip back to the nineties with bouncing bodies, lifeguards performing too much police work and local corruption. You can just smell the nostalgia. CJ Parker is delegated to a more minor role than in the show due to the lesser acting chops of Kelly Rohrbach. those chops are picked up by Alexandra Daddario as Summer Quinn who is only hampered by her forced relationship to Efron. She continues to benefit from her association with Johnson and is starting to come into her own with superb comedic timing, dramatis and amazing good looks. Get a new director and the sequel can't come soon enough. 

B-