Transformers: Dark Of The Moon

1½ pipes out of 4

Worst write out in movie history, I am saying it right now. Michael Bay spent two movies building up the relationship of Sam Whitwiky and Michaela making it as strong as possible only to write Megan Fox out of the series with the line “she broke up with me”. No other explanation is given throughout the movie and Megan is only mentioned once more during the film by Sam’s parents when Sam is having a rough patch with Rosie and they don’t want him to get dumped again. Other than that, Transformers is a really good movie, once you get passed the first hour of talking. the last hour of the film is actually a good action film but you have to get through the a hour of attempted acting, a jumbled plot, and little to no action. Michael Bay tries to make this Transformers something it is not, a drama. He makes it incredibly depressing as well as trying to build a strong relationship between Sam and his new girlfriend Marley. The most interesting fact I find about this relationship is that it took Sam two whole movies to say he loved Michaela but in the third movie he said it in the first 30 minutes. The acting is mediocre at best and only makes it that high because of the legendary Leonard Nemoy. I will admit I went in not knowing he had a part in the movie and I totally geeked out. There actually are some big surprises throughout the film but, just like in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, the ending battle ends too quickly and is won to easily.

The Green Lantern

1½ pipes out of 4

One would think that with the group of big name actors Mark Strong, Jeffery Rush, Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively and Peter Sarsgaard , the Green lantern would be one of the most epic comic book films ever made, rivaling The Dark Knight. Unfortunately all of these actors attached themselves to albeit an entertaining film, a terrible plot. Ryan Reynolds plays a risk taking test fighter pilot who is still trying to get over his father’s death in a piloting accident. This is a good idea for a conflict with the main character thinking he is not worth the gifts that he has been given but the problem is that he gets over his fears way to quickly with a small pep talk by his love interest Blake Lively. One bright spot in the film is Peter Sarsgaard who plays an outcast scientist who discovers an alien who crashes to earth. The alien was infected by the evil essence known as Parallax who wants to take over the universe by harvesting fear. It soon infects Sarsgaard and he puts on a fantastic performance as deranged and outcast, constantly jealous of Reynolds and longing for Lively. Mark Strong plays the leader of the Green Lantern Core who believes that the core is invincible and should use any power available in order to gain victory. Rush only has a minor role as the tour guide to Reynolds when he becomes a Green Lantern. The movie wasn’t all bad because it had the hot Blake Lively and some cool action but not enough to make it a great movie. I disagree with most of the critics saying The Green Lantern is the worst film of the summer, That Title Easily goes to Horrible Bosses.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

2 pipes out of 4

Pirates has returned with a bang! And that’s about it. Don’t get me wrong, it is better without Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley but the plot just seemed to be a quickly thrown together cluster fudge. No Pirates can top the original Pirates of the Caribbean Curse of the Black Pearl but On Stranger Tides easily tops Pirates 2 and 3. With Knighltey and Bloom removed, the uneventful and bothersome love relationship where Bloom could not make up his mind whether he wanted his father or his wife. It opens the door for a new romantic dynamic with Jack and Angelica. The story follows Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) as he meets Angelica (Penelope Cruz), a former flame, who is impersonating him to recruit a crew. He ends up shanghaied on Blackbeard’s ship on his way to the fountain of youth. While on the way they must gather several items, a mermaid’s tear and two chalices. Angelica saves a missionaries life in an attempt to save the soul of Blackbeard. Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) also is after the fountain of youth in the name of the English Crown to keep it away from the Spanish which causes some interesting encounters between the two groups along the way. There are a couple of plot holes in the film that can be pointed out, such as when the missionary is injured and asks for the mermaid to kiss him in order to save him, she does so but then plunges him into the depths of the sea and we never see if he is saved or not but other than the small amount you can point out, the plot just seems to go on and on and have only a very general destination with random twists and additions. It is also quite predictable all the way through for instance when Blackbeard is prophesized to die by the hands of a one legged man, it is quite obvious who that man is. It was still an okay movie which can derive only from the fact that Johnny Depp carried it and he even seemed uninterested and blasé. Comedy returns like in the original as well but this time it is mostly derived from the sexual tension between Jack and Angelica. Another issue that I had with On Stranger Tides is that throughout the film Jack and his first mate Gibbs continually reference events and places that they had done and been in the past to explain how they did something. This allowed a lot of speculation on how they managed to perform some unimaginable feats. I also would like to know, if Blackbeard can control his entire ship with his magical sword, why does he even need a crew that can cause a mutiny? Just some food for thought. All in all I was let down by Pirates 4 but would still watch it over Dead Man’s Chest any day of the week.

Fast Five

½ pipe out of 4

Let it be known right now that I think the Fast and the Furious franchise is turning into the new Saw franchise, they just don’t know when to stop. And with the ending of Fast Five it is quite obvious that they will be making a 6^th. I did not go into Fast Five with my hopes high but even the low standards I was expecting were barely met. There were numerous problems with the plot and with the realism of the movie. The story begins with explaining how Ex FBI agent Brian O’Connor (Paul Walker) and Mia Toretto break Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) out of prison which is unrealistic to begin with. It also shows again the bad decision making of O’Connor that has plagued him throughout the entire series and makes you wonder why anyone keeps following his decisions. After a heist goes wrong the group starts a war with the Crime boss of Rio and also move themselves to the top of the most wanted list which brings in Federal Agent Luke Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) to hunt down Toretto. In order to bring down the Crime boss, they have to bring in Tyrese Gybson , Ludacris and others from the previous Fast and Furious’, which again brings in Han Lue which again must make this a prequel to Tokyo Drift. Another fact for the case that Tokyo Drift should never have been made despite it being the best one of the series. the only way this movie was saved and not total hogwash was that it had The Rock in it and had some pretty cool car chases, albeit unrealistic car chases. The acting was mediocre at best and Diesel can’t decide if he wants to be the serious bad boy that he has been the entire series or try and become more of a nice family man which does not fit him at all. 

Thor

3 pipes out of 4

Anthony Hopkins is back everyone! He has returned from mediocre to downright terrible films like The Rite, The Wolfman and Beowulf to show us what he really can do. Now it is not an Oscar worthy part but still better than the before mentioned parts. We are also introduced to little known actor Chris Hemsworth who you may recognize as Kirk’s father in the Star Trek reboot. And he certainly puts on a show. The action is amazing as the story follows Thor (Chris Hemsworht), son of Odin (Anthony Hopkins) as he is banished from the mythical land of Asgard due to his deviant brother Loki who wants to take the thrown from his brother. He lands in New Mexico in front of scientists Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) and Dr. Eric Selvig (Stellan Skarsgård) along with their assistant Darcy Lewis (Kat Dennings). While a romantic relationship develops between Thor and Jane, Darcy is there to lighten the mood with her young college student quirks. Like when they first meet Thor Jane wants Darcy to drive their van into a tornado to which she responds “I am not dying for 6 college credits”. The story continues as Loki tries to manipulate all those around him, even his father, in order to move up in the pecking order for the thrown. This is a film for both the women and the men for the women can drool at the sight of Hemsworth’s ripped body without a shirt and the men can appreciate a total BAMF. I can find very little wrong with Thor, the only thing being that there were Easter eggs throughout the film which hint at the other members of the Avengers and the new Avengers movie but they are not really explained. Other than that Thor was very well done for a comic movie, especially following Iron Man.

Repo: The Genetic Opera

 0 pipes out of 4

This is by far one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It is not as bad as Intolerable Cruelty but the plot is awful, the singing is awful and the acting is awful. It is just a trifecta of awful. The only thing that makes this movie even remotely watchable is the fact that Alexa Vega from Spy Kids fame is in it and it makes you reminisce about the good old days when she was in good kids movies and not total crap. The second redeeming quality is the Grave-robber character for it brings some comedy and he just looks cool. Albeit he brings nothing to the movie and I am still trying to figure out why he was even in the movie. WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD! The story begins in the not so distant future after an organ failure epidemic almost killed humanity and was only saved by Rotti Largo who created Genco which sells organs to the public. If they can’t afford it he finances the organ but if they fall behind on their payments Largo sends out the Repo man to repossess their organ. It also follows 17 year old Shilo Wallace (Alexa Vega) who has a blood disorder which makes her have to stay locked in her room. Her father has kept her secluded ever since he killed his wife on accident when she was pregnant and chose to save Shilo instead of her mother. As the movie goes on it becomes evident that it was Largo who had poisoned Shilo’s mother in order to get revenge and get Shilo’s father to become his Repo Man. Largo finds out he is dying and wants to leave his fortune to Shilo instead of his three children. This just adds another horrible dynamic to the picture as one of his children is played by Paris Hilton of all people and she is awful. Being that this is supposed to be a genetic opera, there is quite a bit of singing but the songs are awful. The only somewhat good song is sung by, you guessed it, the Grave-robber and it’s even titled Grave-robber. There also an absurd amount of blood and guts, literally, that is totally unnecessary. The Repo man goes around repossessing organs but decides to do it while the people are still alive so they die of blood loss or having their hearts removed from their bodies. Also one of Largo’s children has a vicious temper which causes him to just randomly kill people, and instead of quick deaths, we get to see a nurse bleed out in front of us while the cast sings about gaining control of the company. I am only scratching the surface as to how bad this movie really is so my recommendation is, do not see this movie. I was told to see it because it was so bad it was good which is impossible.

Philadelphia

4 pipes out of 4

A 1993 best picture winner and it completely deserves it. This is easily the best movie that I have ever seen. The acting was absolutely superb and could not have been done any better by any other actors. Philadelphia follows lawyer Andrew Beckett (Tom Hanks), who is gay and has AIDS, is suing his former law firm for wrongful termination. He contracts a former opponent lawyer Joe Miller (Denzel Washington) to take his case to court. Antonio Banderas also costars in the film as Andrew’s partner causing an interesting dynamic between these three big names. Philadelphia brings to the forefront a huge issue that was being dealt with throughout the 70’, 80’s with the misconception of AIDS. Andrew was fired from his job because he contracted AIDS and his work ethic as well as personal life is called into question. What I like best about Philadelphia is that Miller begins the movie with a hatred of homosexuals and fear of AIDS but as the movie progresses we see him to begin to change his beliefs. He is not changed completely by the end which ads a sense of realism to the film. The issue of homosexuality is not the only thing that is called into question for it causes the audience to question all of our views on whether we discriminate in some way and if we were taught to do so by society. One of the best scenes of the film is when Hanks and Washington are going over Hanks’ Q&A of the trial for the next day. As Washington continues to ask Hanks questions, Hanks diverts them by asking Washington his own questions about beliefs. Don’t get me wrong, this is a very difficult movie to watch and at times is quite depressing, it also doesn’t help that you can pretty much guess what happens to Beckett at the end of the movie. This will be the first movie that I have ever rated as a 5 pipes out of 5 and it was completely unexpected. I had heard that it was a very good film but I had no idea how good it was. It will be very difficult for any movie to top the masterpiece that is Philadelphia.