Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

If dead men tell no tales, then this movie is dead on arrival. In an attempt to revitalize his career and the series, Johnny Depp returns as Jack Sparrow except with none of the charm he has been steadily losing since the original. Disney seems to have forgotten why Sparrow was a fun and interesting character. Originally it was because he was a lovable rogue who could get himself out of terrible situations in what looked like ridiculous but lucky ways. Instead, Disney thinks it's because he is a drunk, looks funny, has a blaze fair attitude and cares about no one but himself. It is an utter cluster bomb of a movie that simply makes things up as it goes to explain what is going on. In Dead Men Tell No Tales the audience is introduced to Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem), a Spanish sea captain who is bent on revenge for the curse he now suffers from who he blames on Sparrow. We are also introduced to a new power that Jack's all-seeing compass apparently has that has not been brought up in any of the four previous films and has changed hands countless times between characters. Just more nonsensical exposition to explain away the plot holes. We are also introduced to Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan's son Henry (Brenton Thwaites), who is miraculously now 21 years old with no one other than him showing the passage of that much time. Because this is a Disney movie and we need everyone important to have a love interest we are also given Carina Smyth (Kaya Scodelario) who is also looking for Poseidon’s trident to break all cursed at sea. Henry desires the trident to free his father from his curse, Carina wants it because it was her father's life's work, and Jack needs it to rid himself of the undead Salazar. Which brings me to question, since when did Davey Jones's duty, which became Will Turner's, become a curse. It is referenced numerous times as a curse when he is actually performing a duty. It also granted him life, as he was killed at the end of At World's End. So, if it is a curse and has been lifted then he should die and not just be able to return to land. If your sensing a theme here of BS non-explanations then you now know the essence that is Pirates 5. Unfortunately, it will make a ton of money and that will motivate Disney to keep making more as a sequel is set up in the end credits scene. Which again is a scene that makes no sense. This is a series that entangles too many good actors into terrible roles for it to keep going. Stop thinking of it as a pay check and have some principles! None of you are scraping the barrel for roles! Just a down right terrible movie that makes very little sense a d makes you hate the jack Sparrow when he should be the easiest character to like.

D-

Skyfall

1 pipe out of 4

Skyfall falls flat. Note to MGM studios, the makers of James Bond, when you are making a prequel series of the greatest MI6 agent of all time, remember that things are happening before the 30 odd other Bond films. So to have in your chronologically 3^rd Bond movie, a burnt out James Bond does not make any sense. You are supposed to be showing us how Bond became a BA. You did this adequately in Casino Royal and got worse in Quantum of Solace but still okay, in Skyfall you are downright awful. To supposedly start Bond off as an old burnt out agent DOESN'T WORK! Daniel Craig may be 44 and can look his age when he isn’t cleaned up but through the magic of cleaning and a little bit of makeup he looks like he could honestly be in his late 20’s or early 30’s. USE THIS! Don’t give him the problems of an old washed out spy when he needs to be the epitome of awesome. Another thing that I am starting to get sick of in Bond films is the complete disregard and degradation of women. I understand that Bond is a womanizer and with that comes a certain amount of disgrace but simply to kill them off to get them out of the movie is starting to get really old. We are in the 21^st century for goodness sake; I think we can do better. The one bright spot of the film was the acting of Javier Bardem who plays the rogue MI6 agent that has a vendetta against M (Judi Dench). His playful yet sinister attitude and brilliant planning make him wish he had more screen time especially since he isn’t introduced to the film until nearly half way through. Bardem’s masterful work and everyone else’s lackluster performances actually get you to start rooting for the villain and completely understanding why his is doing the vile things he has done. The attempted back-story into Bond’s Childhood asks more questions than it answers and leads to the anticlimactic reveal of the meaning of Skyfall, leaving a sour taste in your mouth. This Bond film is well worth the wait for Red Box.